Brooksmith’s Law of Class Distinction
Name on building: upper class.
Name on desk: middle class.
Name on shirt: working class
The Loftness Scale of Bodily Pleasures
Nothing is so overrated as sex and so underrated as a good bowel movement.
Pruett’s Law of Perversity
Things hate people.
May’s Law of Male Present-Giving
Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift, such as a shotgun.
Lynn’s Observation on Religious Belief
Clever people are atheists. Cleverer people aren’t.
Murdoch’s Law of Patent Protection
Patents give you the right to sue; they don’t give you the money to sue.
Gove’s Law of Gaudy Book Covers
Never read any book in which the author’s name appears in gold or silver on the cover.
Gove’s Law of Canapés
Food consumed standing up always has ten times the caalorific intake of food consumed sitting down.
Stuff his mouth with gold
Those clamouring for the government to stop paying Sir Fred Goodwin his £690,000 p.a. pension and, in the words of John Prescott (himself the beneficiary of a handsome taxpayer-funded pension), “let him sue”, shoud remember Louis Brandeis’s law. Goodwin’s greed may be sickening, his lack of shame unfathomable, his hubris inexplicable, but one thing’s for sure: the rule of law is worth a lot more than whatever he receives. Goodwin’s contract should be honoured. Stuff his mouth with gold.
Oliver’s Tool Rule
Part 1: Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.
Part 2: Only after locking your toolbox/shed at the end of a DIY job do you find another tool to return to your toolbox/shed.
Part 3: Careful planning has no affect on either Part 1 or Part 2.
